"Are we protecting our kids right out of their best skills?" PARENT'S PLACE
Dr. Sherri Singer
Grayslake Times - Healthwatch November 16,2001
Hi Folks!Time for me to weigh in about a topic I am seeing too much of lately.
That is too much over-protectiveness of kids by both some parents and some teachers. Too little willingness to encourage a child through the struggle versus teaching a child to back down or shy away from the struggle in the first place. Somehow in our society, it seems, that we have gotten the misplaced notion that all struggle equates with pain and bad outcome. We have spent a lot of time and energy on making sure kids feel good all the time and enjoy every little thing they are doing. I have seen many parents go as far as getting permission from their 6 year olds in deciding about different kinds of help available. Those parents may think they are doing a good thing by including the child on that decision, but I am here to tell you that not only is it a bad thing but a destructive thing as well. Teaching a 6 year old that he or she has total control over choosing and liking everything he or she will do is just a bad choice. It's a set up for the child since it doesn't really paint an accurate picture of what we all live with every day. Also, we all know that the real world does not always come easily to us. There are many things we all have to do that we just don't like. But if we don't do them, things can be a problem. There are many things we all have to struggle for and if we do not know how to effectively work through the struggle to get to the goal, none of us would ever get there. I see a generation of little kids before me who are being allowed to decide if they want to do the struggle. I also see a generation of little kids who are having struggle systematically removed from their environment and life by well meaning parents, teachers, etc. who are trying to get to an ultimate goal of constant happiness for these kids. The main problem is that this constant happiness is a made-up contrived world that will come to an end at some point when reality comes to call. Then you are going to see these over-protected kids really face some harshness. You see, if no one ever lets them "cut their teeth" on struggle when they are young enough, and everyone keeps rushing in to help and take that struggle away, those kids will not know how to navigate through life's most minimal struggles without help from someone else or a disastrous outcome. To me, this is the ultimate pain. Watching a person who has been crippled by too much comfort, too much control and too much falseness.
I am not suggesting that we watch a child struggle to the point of insanity. I am merely suggesting that we help the child to a point and then expect things from that child. I think the main problem in our country right now is that when we even get the slightest suggestion that a child cannot do something, we rush around to make the work easier and the bar lower or lower the expectations so that child can feel good, even when he or she is really not succeeding. It borders on lying to the child about how well he or she is really doing. That is just plain wrong. Again, as I have pointed out before, I will point out that many incredible successes were preceded by many failures. Each of those people who lived that situation suggested that without the failures, the true success never would have come. That person would never have found what they were truly great at without failing at other things first. Those who have lived the successes after the failures embrace those failures as a gift. If we take away the concept of failure after struggle, we also take away this precious concept. I think that is wrong. I think kids need to understand that not doing well at one thing does not mean you don't do well at all things. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone needs to at least be encouraged to try and learn what they are responsible for and out of that will come what they are truly good at.
I have watched many school age children come into my office for my processing program not knowing how to read or write or spell. Many parents I meet feel like I do. They feel that their kid's skills are bad because they are being accepted that way. I have been told by many a parent, that when a child doesn't spell correctly, a good mark is received anyway because the child tried. This is reportedly done in the name of self-esteem. I wonder what that child's self-esteem will be when the child is older and unable to spell? That should really increase the child's chances of good employment and earning potential. NOT!
Parents and teachers alike need to understand that teaching a child to correct mistakes, learn from them and practice the correction is the cornerstone of true success. Teaching them to ignore their mistakes to feel good is the cornerstone of failure. It's getting to a fever pitch out there now. It's time to turn it around.
Sherri Singer is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Childhood Behavior Specialist. She regularly works in person with many readers of this column, helping them to significantly improve their kid's behavior and processing skills. Dr. Singer continues to help kids with improving focus and processing in her Total Success Program.